Love is grand! I’m sure your friends are happy and pleased as punch for you when you’re part of a couple. But have you perhaps turned into one of the most annoying types of couples without realizing it?
When you and your beloved go to parties, do you find that the people you talk to nod their heads with glassy eyes when they’re not texting? It’s not too late to turn it around. Here’s how to identify the most annoying types of couples. (No but really, we’re so happy for you!)
THE COUPLE WHO ARGUE ALL THE TIME
This doesn’t mean that the couple isn’t in love; “love is strange” goes the song, right? Some couples express their passion through arguing. Over everything. It’s very awkward to be around a constantly arguing couple. The last thing you want to do is intervene, but if they just don’t (won’t?) stop, are you supposed to just stand there and take it?
THE COUPLE WHO WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR LAST VACATION
This type of couple travels constantly, for work and pleasure, and they’ve got an iPhone full of photos and videos to show you if you don’t believe them. They had fun, damn it, and you’re going to see how much!
THE COUPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE THE BEST AT BEING A COUPLE
It’s like some couples took one couples therapy session and think they know everything. “Now, Glen,” the man will say, tilting his glasses down his nose, “Perhaps Jenny doesn’t know that you’re joking. It’s best not to tease each other in times of stress.” “It’s what Dr. Perkins advised us!” chirps the woman. You know these couples. They’re even more common when you have kids. Then suddenly, nothing you do to parent is as good as whatever they’re doing, and don’t worry, they’ll let you know.
THE BRAGGING COUPLE
This couple will find anything and everything to brag about. Their student-loan payments. Their lack of student-loan payments. Their hotel room. Their gas mileage. Their car. Their lack of car (they bike everywhere, duh). Like THE COUPLE WHO WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT THE VACATION THEY JUST TOOK, this couple is even worse, because it’s like every day is a vacation—they’ll show you a photo of the coffee table they scored for $40 at a flea market, because they can.
And of course,
THE “WE” COUPLE
This couple has no identity beyond each other. It’s like they’ve formed into one unit even though there are two bodies. They don’t have hobbies or interests of their own. It’s always “our” hobbies, “our” friends, “our” favorite. Don’t let this happen to you! It’s okay to get sucked into the blissful black hole of lovely-dovey coupledom for a little while, but you’ve gotta emerge as your own person!
Do I sound bitter? The truth is, I’ve been all of these couples, and I feel bad for my friends who had to endure my annoying couple-y moments. Now let’s all hug.
Check out Almie Rose’s new e-book, I Forgot To Be Famous, available on Amazon and iTunes.
Illustration by Amy Ning / amyning.com